Deathly Hallows in Quicktime
by Nightengale
Summary: You know the plot of that book right? Here it is again only a bit faster! A parody in script form.


Snape: Yes! I get to start a book again!

Voldemort: There seems to be some bitch with a crappy name over my table

*AVADA*

Death Eaters: WIN!

Voldemort: Don't screw up anymore *glare*

Death Eater: Eek!

Snape: *shifty look*

Harry: Oh my god its the last book, is my popularity going to wane?

Dudley: PS, Harry I love you

Harry: ...

Moody: Time to go! Look! 7 Harrys!

Harry: I think I am having some sort of Freud moment...

*FLY*

Harry: Well this is going all right!

*ATTACK*

Everyone: SHIT!

*AVADA*

Hedwig: F this, I can fly!

Hagrid: Time to flee!

Harry: I'm going to give myself away by using a pussy spell, EXPERIAMUS!

Death Eaters: GET HIM!

*escaped*

Molly: OH MY GOD WHERE IS EVERYONE!?!?

Remus: PS- Moody is dead

Everyone: DESPAIR!!

George: PS- I have a hole in my head

Fred: Shit now we can't fuck with people over which one of us is which!

George: Sucks arse!

Molly: All right then, lets go wedding prep like crazy

Trio: er...... we need to go get Horcruxs plz?

Molly: NO CONSPIRING!!!

Hermione: *face palm*

Ron: *head desk*

Harry: *head wand*

*Marriage day*

Arthur: All so pretty!

Molly: *tears*

Bill: I'm married now!

Fluer: I still 'ave this annoying written in accent!

Harry: Wow, I have red hair

Weasley annoying aunt: Dumbledore sucked! Rita Skeeter told me!

Harry: OMG she is so reliable, I believe you!! *emo*

Kingsley patronus: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!

Everyone: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!

Hermione: Come on boys, *PWNS APPARATE*

Harry: So, by the way Voldemort

Death Eaters: GOT YA!

Trio: Eek! Kids win again!

Hermione: Ok, so we're at Grimwald Place... now what?

Ron: er... lets snuggle!

Harry: Oh crap, no fair!

Remus: Uh, hey guys, everyone's ok and can I come with you?

Harry: BAD DADDY!

Remus: *PWNS HARRY INTO WALL*

Hermione: Nice tact, Harry

Ron: Hey, since we're going with bad ideas why don't we try to break into the Ministry?

Harry: I'm all for rushing into bad situations where I can be heroic!

Hermione: Sweet, I can't think of anything better so lets go

Trio: Polyjuiced your ass!

Unsuspecting three people: *gurgle*

Trio: Split up!

Harry: Holy shit Umbridge is a cracked out creepy woman! *takes Moody's eye* And look I have a new title, Undesirable Number One. I like it more than Boy Who Lived, makes me sound bad ass!

*Distraction*

Harry: *flee*

Arthur: The guy you're polyjuiced as is a fucking bastard!

Harry: Eek! Weasley wrath!

Hermione: Its a bit chilly in here.

Muggle born: Please don't kill me

Umbridge: I love torturing people, take her away!

Harry: I'm invisible, I pwn you all and take your locket

Hermione: Yippie!

Ron: Hai guyz! I join the party?

Harry: Flee muggle borns, flee with us!

Everyone: *RUNS*

Trio: *Flee*

Hermione: Uh oh, some ministry goy has my ankle! Flee more!

Ron: *SPLICED* ow....

Hermione: OMG I FAIL

Harry: Eek! My best friend!

Trio: And now time to Camp!

Harry: ....dum de dum

Hermione: Ok... so horcruxes?

Ron: This locket itches....

Harry: *emos* Dumbledore didn't tell me every single aspect of his entire life....

Hermione: *grump* I still haven't gotten a good make out....

Ron: No seriously, this itches a lot and where the hell is my god damn food woman!

Harry: Are we still camping?

Hermione: I fucking hate boys!!

Ron: Really, I mean, IT ITCHES!

Harry: I think Voldemort is after something in Europe... but who cares

Hermione: We don't care about your fucking scar Potter!

Ron: I am starting a fight and leaving because we need some damn action in this stupid camping FOREVER section!!!

Harry: Yeah well fine! Just go! I like fighting like we're married!

Hermione: noooooooo! *Cries*

Harry: Suck it up!

Hermione: So.... about those horcurxes?

Harry: We're going to Godric's Hallow because I'm the hero and I said so

Hermione: Going.

Harry: Omg.... memories.... or lack there of

Hermione: Look a symbol that means something for the plot on this grave!

Harry: *not listening*

Hermione: And your parent's graves

Harry: *pays attention* OMG *emo*

Creepy woman: *creepin*

Harry: Are we supposed to follow you creepy woman?

Hermione: um......

Harry: Lead on Batilda! To answers! *dramatic pose*

Batilda: Btw, I'm Nagini, time to die

Harry: SHIT!

Hermione: Saved your life!

*APPARATE AND FLEE*

Voldemort: VERY ANGRY NOW!!!

Harry: Is that a doe?

Sword: *sparkles*

Harry: *falls into water to die*

Ron: *saved you* Hi.....

Harry: I didn't miss you.... ok yeah I did

Locket: Hey Ron, look all your insecurities

Ron: *stabs*

Harry: Awkward.....

Ron: ....

Hermione: .... Ron you suck and I am not happy you're back.... at all

Ron: There is this awesome radio show

Radio Remus: We miss you guys!

Radio Lee: Fight the power!

Hermione: Let's go see Luna's dad!

Harry & Ron: Why?

Hermione: Because I read the title of the book and I think its the same as that symbol he was wearing at the wedding and all this other info I learned from my readings

Harry & Ron: Ok

Lovegood: Uh.... hi guys, want tea? I swear Luna will be back soon

Trio: Crazy house....

Lovegood: So uh, here is all this Deathly Hallow information about the Elder Wand, Resurrection Stone and Cloak of Invisibility

Hermione: So not true

Harry: You know I already have the cloak, right Hermione?

Ron: Well, now that we have the other half of the plot

Harry: Wait a tick... where is Luna?

Lovegood: Er....

Trio: Shit

Death Eaters: TIME TO BE CAUGHT!

Hermione: Oh hell no! *blasts*

Trio: *flys by* See ya!

Death Eaters: Oh bother....

Trio: We are so safe!

Harry: Yeah, out smarted Volde-

Ron: YOU GOD DAMN IDIOT!

Harry: -mort?

Death Eaters: CAUGHT YOU!

Hermione: *blasts Harry's face*

Harry: *gurgle*

Ron: Ah the wrath of women!

Lucius: ....Is that Harry Potter?

Draco: Er....

Narcissa: No, really, I think it is

Draco: Er....

Harry: Its totally not

Draco: Er....

Bellatrix: Oooooo can we torture one of them now?

Hermione: Oh fuck....

Everyone else: *dragged to dungeon*

Ron: Shit! And just when I thought I might get a real girl friend!

Luna: Oh hi guys, I've been chilling in this cell for a while, how are you?

Harry & Ron: Buzuh?

Olivander: *groan*

Goblin: *grumble*

Dean: Uh... hi guys

Hermione: *SCREAM*

Ron: noooooooooooooooooo! *emo*

Harry: We need some help... maybe this shard of glass with the random mysterious eye will tell me something

Dobby: *pop* HARRY POTTER!

Dugeon people: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!

Harry: Save them Dobby

Dobby & Luna & Olivander & Dean & Goblin: *apparate*

Ron: Can we save my soon to be girlfriend now?

Peter: What are all these shenanigans?

Harry & Ron: Got ya

Peter: *strangles self*

Harry: Well that was an interesting turn of events!

Ron: Sucks for him

Hermione: Um, guys?

*FIGHT TIME!*

Trio: We escape with your wands!

Bella: I am so fucked

Harry: Owie, scar hurt time

Voldemort: YOU BLOODY IDIOTS!!! *CRUCIO TO THE MILLIONTH POWER*

Dobby: Harry.... *die*

Harry: NOT ANOTHER ONE!!! *emos*

Bill: Uh.... hi guys....

Harry: Ok now, lets go to Gringotts!

Goblin: I want the sword of Gryffindor

Trio: ....

Harry: ...sure

Ron: *cough*

Trio and Goblin: *plaaaaaaaaaaaaan*

Harry: Mission time!

Hermione: I are Bellatrix Lestrange, BELIEVE IT!

Gringotts: We believe you!

Dragon: I don't like being underground... *tears*

Readers: OMG SO SAD!

Harry: This vault has a lot of shit in it

Ron: I see cup! *points*

Harry: *grabs* FUCKING SHIT THAT HURTS!

*million cups*

Hermione: Oh we are fucked

Trio: It burns us!

Harry: I will be heroic and take the cup anyhow, lets get the fuck out of here!

Goblin: Oh you bitches

Ron: Flee!

Harry: Dragon ride outta here!

Dragon: *FLIES*

Readers: YIPPIE FREE DRAGON!

Hermione: Now what? We're on the back of a dragon...

Ron: .....um

Harry: Let go!

Trio: *drop into water and freedom*

Voldemort: EEK THEY ARE AFTER MY HORCUXES!

Harry: oh ow....

Voldemort: MUST GO CHECK ON THEM ALL, TO THE LAKE!

Harry: um guys....

Voldemort: OMG ITS GONE, TO HOGWARTS!

Harry: Guys, we've got to go to school now

Ron: Oh no way, we've avoided that the whole book!

Hermione: YES!

Trio: *apparate to Hogsmeade*

Aberforth: You guys are fucking dumb

Harry: Whoa, you're the one who sent Dobby!

Aberforth: Wow, you're a genius

Hermione: Wow, you're bitter

Ron: Wow, I want food

Aberforth: So uh I loved my cute little sis who had all these magic problems after some dumb ass muggles messed her up way back when and not too fond of my brother who fucked my sister and I over causeing her to get killed when he fell for some brat with blond hair

Trio: huh?

Aberforth: He was gay

Trio: Oh.

Painting: Pssssssssssst

Trio: Huh?

Neville: YO YO YO!

Trio: OH MY GOD YOU TURNED INTO A BAMF!

Neville: Hell yes I did, let's go

Aberforth: See ya

Harry: lay off the emo man

Aberforth: Like you're one to talk

Dumbledore's Army: HI GUYS!

Trio: Holy crap, you're all fucked up

Dumbledore's Army: Yeah, school has been hell

Trio: Yeah, we camped a lot

Ginny: Oh hi Harry

Harry: *swoon*

Dumbledore's Army: So! Time for revolution?

Harry: Um.... I like flying solo

Ron: *smack*

Hermione: Time to use that team work thing, Harry

Harry: Right, ok, we need a tiara

Luna: Ravenclaws to help since we are smart, let's go look in our tower!

Ginny: Back off, Cho Cho

Cho: I didn't say shit, you redheaded slut

Ginny: You what?

Hermione: No cat fight

Boys: Damn it...

Luna: Check it out, our tower is cool

Ravenclaw tower: So, I tell riddles

Harry: Wow, I am way too dumb for this

Luna: inside!

Harry: Sweet, lets get-

Death Eater brother: Got ya!

Harry & Luna: Fuck

Death Eater sister: *knock on door* hey hey hey

Harry: PWN YOU DEATH EATHER BOY!

Death Eater brother: urk....

Luna: Back to the bat cave!

Dumbledore's army: We got more people

Every student ever named in the books: Hi! We came to make an appearance at the end!

Fred: hi

George: yo

Lee: Sup?

Percy: I realized I was wrong and am now redeeming myself in the eyes of the readers!

Weasleys: WOO!

Dumbledore's Army: TIME TO BE FIGHTING NOW!

Harry: *dramatic pose* Onward soldiers!

Ron: We destroyed the cup with this basalisk tooth because I can have good ideas sometimes despite what the movies say

Hermione: Isn't he dreamy?

Ron: What about the house elves?

Hermione: *KISS ATTACK*

Harry: Uh, time to be fighting guys

Ron & Hermione: Sorry, got it

Practically every single person ever in the books: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!

Bella: Hiya Weasley girl!

Molly: NOT MY DAUGHTER YOU BITCH!!!

Reader: *swoon*

Percy: I'm gonna make a joke!

Fred: omg you are so awesome Percy, I missed you!

George: Tender moment

Fred: *DIE*

Percy: FUCK NO!

George: *angst of a thousand fanfics*

Harry: Hey look, the tiara thingy here in the room full of crap

Draco and grunts: Peekaboo, we got you

Ron: Yeah right

Goyle: *curse*

Crabbe: *double curse*

Harry: shit, now everything is on fire!

Trio: *FLEE*

Draco: eek!

Harry: Oh fine, *saves*

Draco/Harry Shippers: *SQUEAL*

Ron: Can we go fight now?

Hermione: Hell yes!

Harry: *creepin in the shriekin shack*

Voldemort: Yeah, so you were a great potion maker and all Snape but I've afraid I have to let you go

Snape: You're firing me?

Nagini: Kinda *bite*

Harry: That was cold

Snape: LOOK AT ME!

Snarry shippers: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!

Harry: wow, memory time

Lily: I'm a witch

Petunia: *glare*

Snape: Oh hi, you're pretty

Lily: Yippie! I have a magical best friend

Snape: ...sure I can do friend

James: TAKE THIS GREASE BOY

Snape: *humiliated* Why do I have to be the tragic character?

Lily: *comes to the rescue*

Snape: shit shit I have to look good in front of my pre-death eater cronies, uh.... BACK OFF MUDBLOOD

Lily: ...nice one, you just sacrificed our real friendship for the 'cool kids,' you are so high school

Snape: Shit! Classic mistake!

Lily: I will not take you back

Snape: oh dear god I am going to be emo for the rest of my damn life

Dumbledore: So what?

Snape: I want to betray the Death Eaters and work as a spy for you because they want to kill the girl I love and I want to save her

Dumbledore: Yes! I get a spy!

Snape: SHE WAS KILLED ANYWAY, WHAT THE HELL!

Dumbledore: Whoops! Sorry about that, now we have to protect her child you know cause she would want you to and all

Snape: *SNIFFLE* I must do it for LILY!!!

Dumbledore: Also, you have to kill me

Snape: This job just gets worse and worse....

Harry: ...I'm sucking at this camping thing

Snape: *doe* here have a sword!

Harry: Wow.... that was memorytastic!

Voldemort: Yo all, I'm in the woods and Potter, get your ass in here or else

Harry: ....right, off I go with all of my Deathly Hallows that I suddenly realize I have, hello resurrection stone in the snitch!

Ghosts of Sirius, James, Remus, and Lily: Hi, honey

Harry: Hello real and surrogate parents!

James: Love ya son, don't screw up

Lily: I know, Snape had it bad for me

Sirius: I cannot believe I missed out on the bad ass battle

Remus: Yeah well, I got to die in it

Harry: Yeah, sorry about that

Remus: Tonks died too

Harry: Omg, baby Teddy is the new me!

Remus: Eh, now I can go back to being gay with Sirius

Sirius: Yes!

Tonks: What?

Harry: Onward to my destiny!

Voldemort: Hey there mortal enemy, time to die

Harry: er...

*AVADA*

Harry: ....Am in a French independent film or something now, what's with the train station?

Dumbledore: Hi Harry!

Harry: Dude, where have you been this whole book?

Dumbledore: Uh, dead

Harry: Oh yeah

Dumbledore: So, anyhow, all that stuff you heard about me? Sorta true. I did hang out with Grindelwald for one summer and plan all this muggle ruling shit but then I came to my senses after he went all extreme and my sister got killed. That's why I avoid that too much power thing since I suck at it.

Harry: Yeah, we've noticed that through the last 6 books

Dumbledore: ...

Harry: So you had it bad for this Grindelwald?

Dumbledore: Shh! Harry, we're not allowed to bring up my gayness in the actual book! Wait till the after interviews.

Harry: Uh... too late, your brother outed you

Dumbledore: Figures.

Harry: Anyhow, what do I do? And what is that creepy thing under the chair?

Dumbledore: Representation of Voldemort and you can stay or go, but obviously you have to go so you can save the wizarding world

Harry: Got it, see ya!

Narcissa: Hey, uh... is my son ok?

Harry: Yeppers

Narcissa: Potter is so dead!

Hagrid: *CRY*

Everyone: NO FUCKING WAY!

Neville: Oh hell no, I don't think so

Nagini: *SWORDED*

Neville: WIN OF ETERNAL BAMFNESS!!!

Harry: By the way, I'm alive

Everyone: HELL YES!

Voldemort: You bitch!

Harry: Now is time for my dramatic speech about Snape being on our side all the time and good always winning and love and all that.

Voldemort: Uh huh, yeah right!

Harry: Let's go

*Fight*

Voldemort: .....shit

Harry: WIN!

Good side: YIPPIE

Bad side: .............*runs*

Harry: What a lovely end to the book

Hermione: Everyone is happy.... unless they are dead

Ron: What about the epilogue?

Harry: ...What epilogue?

Albus Severus: I can haz fanfics, plz?

Scorpius: Yes, sir!

Fanficers: *WRITE WRITE WRITE*


End file.
